Today I came across a story in the Hull Daily Mail about James Grant. Grant has just been sentenced to three years in prison after a campaign of harassment towards his ex-partner. He bombarded her with calls and messages. He threatened to kill her new partner. He had broken restraining orders and criminal behaviour orders – non-custodial sanctions that had been put in place to give him the opportunity to address his behaviour. Strong currents of misogyny run through his past behaviour - the article describes a history of abuse and violence against women.
This man is a serial offender who feels entitled to abuse women. Previous prosecutions, convictions and legal penalties have not stopped him because he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Offenders like this feel that they have a right to do what they have done. In a society where women fight for and win battles for formal equality - for example Samira Ahmed’s victory in her equal pay case against the BBC - intimate relationships are one area of life where sexism and misogynistic abuse thrives.
But its not Grant’s behaviour that gave me the impetus to write this blog. It’s what his current girlfriend had to say about him.
The woman, who was not named in the article, stated that she would stand by Grant. She described him as her rock. She told of how the couple owned three dogs together and how he was a big softie. They got together in February 2019 having known one another in the past. She claimed that he’d told her everything that had happened and that ‘they’ would be appealing against this most recent conviction.
However, I would argue that Grant is not a “big softie” at all. From the information about him in the article, he’s the very embodiment of what Sandra Horley calls “Charm Syndrome Man”. In her excellent book, Power and Control: Why charming men can make dangerous lovers, she explains that abusers use charm to gain control over women.
Abusers are not abusive all of the time. If they were, no one would fancy them, no one would date them, no one would commit to them. So, he puts on an act, he draws upon the tropes of heterosexual romantic love - that Hollywood regularly shoves down our throats - to make women feel special. He sends flowers. He arranges elaborate dates. He is ‘attentive’, frequently calling and messaging his target to persuade her of his ‘caring’ nature. He makes himself indispensable, ferrying her around in his car, offering to look after the household finances so she doesn’t have to worry about such matters.
These men are predators, highly skilled in identifying and exploiting women’s vulnerabilities. He will encourage a woman to ‘open up’ to him about past traumas and heartbreaks, sharing details of his own (often completely fictional) experiences of being hurt in love.
He will be quick to announce that they are a couple, whether that be going ‘Instagram official’ or moving in within a very short space of time - this tells the rest of the world that she is ‘his’. He will initially ingratiate himself with her friends and family, who will all witness his Oscar winning performance as the perfect boyfriend. He will make himself at home in family places and on family occasions. He can do no wrong. Anything negative his target hears about him will be explained away by the narrative of the ‘crazy ex’.
This ‘love bombing’ will get him what he wants – commitment from his target and absolute devotion from her. He’s her knight in shining armour. He’s everything she was looking for. And now, he’s in control.
At this point in time, abusers use the knowledge and information they have about their target to continually assert their control. They will begin to criticise their target, initially under the guise of trying to ‘help’ them be better at certain things but this will eventually escalate to unabashed derision and humiliation. He will begin to enforce ever-changing rules. He will begin to isolate her from her family and friends, and control what she does on a daily basis. She will have to pick up the phone within a certain number of rings or respond to messages in a small time frame. Rather than making his target feel special, he makes her feel like s**t. She will come to believe that she deserves to feel like s**t because she’s not coming up to the standards that such a wonderful man deserves to have from his girlfriend. He deserves better. I’m not good enough for him.
I fear that this process has started already with Grant’s current girlfriend. The article states that,
She says that during the time he broke his restraining order, she was "being horrible to him" as a result of sleep deprivation caused by the need to stay up to look after puppies that one of their dogs had given birth to.
These men also engage in special liberty[i] by proxy, convincing their targets to do things for them that are on or beyond the boundaries of ethics and / or law. Laura Marshall, the Prosecutor in Grant’s case is quoted in the article,
On the 27th June officers attended at his partner's home. She answered the door after around 15 minutes and said he wasn't there and she had not heard from him for days…A full search showed him to be hiding in the loft area
Having psychologically and emotionally decimated their targets, taking away their autonomy and independence, abusers will present compelling arguments to their targets as to why they are not responsible for their own behaviour. Anything hurtful that he does is because she drove him to it. ‘Look what you made me do!’. He’s just a nice guy really, she’s the problem, bloody women hey?
These men do not love the women they form ‘relationships’ with. They are not looking for mutuality, reciprocity, respect, equality and meaningful attachment. Women are not partners, they are targets in a game of control that abusers are determined to win.
The charm syndrome man is the part of the abuser that women want back. But that man is not real. That was an act, a ruse, a way of luring them in. But he seemed so real because these men are experts at the con.
As a criminologist whose work involves studying domestic abuse and violence against women, I want to achieve three things by writing this blog today.
Firstly, to urge readers not to demonise Grant’s partner by labelling her stupid, ignorant or silly. All too often, women in this kind of situation are blamed for their own victimisation. Why don’t they just leave? If only they had trusted their instinct. If only they had listened. Wake up and smell the coffee love. That isn’t such an easy thing to do when you’re under the influence of someone who you think is the best thing that’s ever happened to you and you just want charm syndrome man back. When charm syndrome man has slowly chipped away at your independence to the extent that your identity and personhood is completely interwoven with him, you can’t ‘just leave’.
Secondly, I’d appeal to her friends and family to let her know that you are there for her, whenever and however she needs you. Reassure her that you love her and that you will support her unconditionally and respect her decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Let her know that you are always at the end of the phone. Trying to persuade her to leave is a mistake. Trying to assert control over someone who is already being controlled is not helpful to them at all. Taking away more of their autonomy and choices will make them feel stupid, infantilised and ashamed – something the abuser will already have instilled. Resist the urge to take control and allow her to come to you in her own time and on her own terms.
Thirdly, I want to address Grant’s partner directly. You have not done anything wrong. Don’t stop doing the things you enjoy or seeing the people who make you smile. Realise that you are worthy of love and respect. Know that you are whole and valuable as you are, you do not need a man to complete you. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself so during the time Grant is in prison, be kind to yourself. As a woman who is smart and intelligent, who has been to university, who has a degree and a good job, you’ll know that we never stop learning and that through knowledge, we grow and thrive. If you want to find out more about abuse, please look at the resources and information provided by Refuge and Women’s Aid. Lastly, you won’t lose anything by reading Sandra Horley’s book and I am more than happy to send you a copy if you want to get in touch via the ‘Contact me’ link.
[i] Hall, S. (2012). Theorizing Crime and Deviance: A new perspective. London: Sage.